The One Where Juan Pablo Exposes The Bachelor Television Show For Exactly What It Is: A Television Show

Last week someone asked me how The Bachelor was (because he was trying to be nice, not because anyone ever actually cares how The Bachelor is). It was the week of the Women Tell All episode, I explained, and “in sum, everyone hates Juan Pablo.” That is my entire recap of that episode.

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Let’s move on to the finale. In typical blown-out The Bachelor fashion, this episode is bookended with “live” segments starring Television’s Chris Harrison, who is promising us the most unforgettable finale ever. Television’s Chris Harrison encourages us to wonder if Juan Pablo was even on the show to find love in the first place. That’s cute.

Our remaining ladies are Clare, who is racist, and Nikki, who never has anything nice to say. They are as different as night and day and hate each other. Sadly, they will be in no scenes together tonight, and that’s depressing.

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Clare arrives first to meet Juan Pablo’s family. As far as I can predict, there is no reason to expect this to go poorly. Clare gushes because she’s so excited to have her own family. She wants to have a “minimum” of 3 kids - that could potentially be a whole buncha children. Poor life choices.

Juan Pablo’s mom tries to convince Clare that Juan Pablo is kind of a jerk sometimes. Juan Pablo’s cousin tries to convince Clare that Juan Pablo is kind of a jerk sometimes. But Clare comes to his defense and goes on about how much she loves Juan Pablo and his “honesty” and “communication.” Clare is hardcore delusional.

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Juan Pablo’s dad has known Clare for all of four minutes and has already decided that he’s in love with her. Beware, Juan Pablo’s Dad. I’ve been in that relationship before. Also, come on… this is bizarre.

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The following day, Nikki spends the day with Juan Pablo’s family. 

Juan Pablo’s dad warns Nikki that Juan Pablo isn’t easy to be with, and Nikki says that she’s ready anyway. Juan Pablo’s mom is “pretty sure” that he’s ready for a relationship. That’s sketchtastic.

Even Juan Pablo’s family sees that Nikki and Clare are completely different. Nikki says that the things that his family said “raised a lot of questions” but no “red flags.” Well. That may be concerning.

Back in the live show, the viewers are concerned about the girls ignoring the family’s warnings because television studio audiences are not totally stupid.

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Now, Clare has her last date with Juan Pablo in - FUCKING FINALLY - a helicopter!! God, this season has been such a fucking let down.

Clare is dressed like a 12-year-old bumblebee.

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As the helicopter is landing, there is a moment where there are no cameras or audio, and Juan Pablo takes that opportunity to tell Clare that he feels like they don’t know each other and “some sexual thing that I don’t even want to repeat,” per Clare. Then he drags her up this hill. And, as much as I don’t like Clare, I’m pretty unhappy to hear that - and I’m like, semi-pro at walking up hills.

Clare and Juan Pablo obviously have great physical chemistry, but Clare is here to find a husband, not a fun boyfriend. Juan Pablo comes to her hotel room that evening to hang out, and Clare is really angry. 

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Again, Juan Pablo says that he’s just being honest. Clare is confused because she thought they were on the same page. Juan Pablo assures us that he feels great about Clare and that maybe they have a future together. That’s what Clare wants to hear, and everything is fine again! Because Clare’s a little racist about Asians, but she’s completely colorblind when it comes to red flags.

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Now it’s time for Juan Pablo’s last date with Nikki. Nikki is starting to grow frustrated with not being able to know how Juan Pablo feels. Well, you know… Who’s really comfortable with the unknown? 

Carl Sagan. The correct answer is Carl Sagan.

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Nikki gives Juan Pablo a gift: a photo of them riding horses together while not not wearing pants. She also wrote him a little card and she has very tidy handwriting. The card is signed, “I love you,” and he says, “Thank you. See you tomorrow.” And that’s everyone’s favorite moment of this entire series.

Juan Pablo leaves, and Nikki cries. That’s exactly what you want a girl to do at the end of a date.

We don’t even see Juan Pablo shop for a ring because the time that would usually be spent on this segment was used up by him making girls cry. This season is so messed up! I’m so confused! 

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Clare is the first to arrive for the final rose ceremonies, and as you and I know, that means that his journey is over for Clare. But not before she’s forced to walk down a sand a dirt path in spike heels, because this week just hasn’t been hard enough for her.

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Juan Pablo says goodbye to Clare, and attempts to hug her. She stops him. The audience cheers. Then she goes on an intense tirade, bringing up Sharleen and Andi, who both unceremoniously dumped Juan Pablo, and she stalks away in a huff, because she would never want her children to have a father like Juan Pablo. Which, in this case, means a man who would go on a dating show and have to choose between the final two women and would take a moment to do so, which means that she maybe has never seen this show before.

When she’s gone, Juan Pablo and all his legendary lack-of-filter says, “Whew. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” Juan Pablo, ME FUCKING TOO. (The audience is appalled at us right now.) (Sorry, Audience.) (That was a lie; no, I’m not.)

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Nikki arrives, and Juan Pablo can finally tell her how much he loves her honesty, because it’s “so much like [him]!” I shit you not, my friends.

Juan Pablo reminds her that her father told him that before he proposes to Nikki, he needs to be 100% sure, so he’s not going to propose because he’s not 100% sure he wants to propose to her. Instead, he just wants to give her a rose, and see what happens because maybe he doesn’t love her yet, but he knows he likes her a lot.

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At the After the Final Rose interview show, Nikki comes back and says that they are starting a normal relationship, and they’re very happy, and she’s still in love with Juan Pablo, but she doesn’t know if he’s in love with her. Television’s Chris Harrison asks over and over if Juan Pablo loves her and how long Nikki is willing to wait to get engaged. Because saying the words “I love you” and giving/receiving a huge diamond ring and then getting married, to him and his audience, are the Most Important Things in any romantic relationship ever.

Newsflash, America: They’re not.

Television’s Chris Harrison is UPSET because he “doesn’t know what he’s looking at!” Because they’re not engaged or married, and The Bachelor is, in fact, not like real life, and NOW WE ALL KNOW. Maybe this makes me a less romantic person than everyone in the studio audience, but it makes me happy to see a couple slow down, be normal about this, and just fucking like each other for a minute. 

When Nikki arrived to the final rose ceremony, she said that she’d “waited a long time for this,” and, YOU GUYS, I HAVE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THIS. I have spent an unbelievable amount of time discussing how stupid it is for people to get engaged at the end of this show. That’s like getting engaged two days after you decide to shut off your OKCupid account - it’s NUTS. I don’t want anyone to do it. So maybe Juan Pablo is a little mean, and a little sketchy, and a LOT unintelligible. But, right now, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

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The One Where Andi a Breaks The Fourth Wall (and a Secures Her Position As The Next Bachlorette)

Now that we’re done with everyone’s pedestrian hometowns and crazy families, let’s go to St. Lucia and get laid. Sound good? SOUNDS DAMN GOOD.

Juan Pablo is looking forward to having private overnight dates with his three remaining girlfriends, starting with Clare. Update: I still hate Clare. Clare’s been going back and forth on whether she wants to spend the night with Juan Pablo on their date, because she was slut shamed so horribly last time. She’s come to realize, with some surprise, that “Juan Pablo wants to set and example for his daughter.” Jesus fuck, why is that as surprise, Clare?!

Juan Pablo doesn’t openly talk shit about Clare’s crazy family, so Clare is feeling reassured. 

Juan Pablo thinks spending time in the fantasy suite is important because “you have to see a lot of things,” and I think that’s just vague enough to make us all uncomfortable.

On the other hand, Clare’s goal for the night to talk about Juan Pablo’s daughter. Well, that sure isn’t the same.

Being that Clare is Clare, she agrees to attend the Fantasy Suite party to tell Juan Pablo that she’s falling in love with him because of course she does. The next morning, Juan Pablo tells us that he had a good time on his sleepover with Clare, and now, naturally, it’s time for his date with Andi. That’s pleasant.

Juan Pablo and Andi accost some children for juice and soccer. These kids would prefer to be left alone.

Later that evening, Juan Pablo wants to ask Andi some hard questions, like if she’s forcing herself to have feelings for him. Well. Yes. The answer is yes. 

Juan Pablo and Andi have a pretty real, good conversation about their relationship: if they’re a good fit, if their lives wil work together, if Andi will have to move and get re-barred. real shit. Usually this doesn’t make the cut into the episode because this shit is boring as fuck, but it’s refreshing to see, regardless. Juan Pablo wants for them to spend the overnight getting to know each other and continuing the conversation.

Juan Pablo and Andi retreat to the Fantasy Suite, feeling excited and optimistic. The next morning, Juan Pablo is happy - he and Andi talked all night and had amazing chemistry. Andi could be the one! Also the next morning, Andi couldn’t wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite. The night, according to Andi, was a disaster. She really hopes he didn’t think it went well. At home, we’re all giggling a little bit.

Now, Andi wants to remind us that she has had concerns the whole time, which… Suuuuure. She’s shocked that Juan Pablo only wants to talk about himself, and she’s shocked that he talked about having an overnight date with Clare. It’s really puzzling to me that any of that is a surprise, but maybe Andi doesn’t know what show she’s been on this entire time.

Juan Pablo still has a final overnight date with Nikki, and they are going horseback riding wearing pants, not not wearing pants. I swear, that’s what happened in the episode, and not just my observation.

Juan Pablo tells Nikki that he’s not 100% sure of who he’s going to propose to at the end of the game, and which I appreciate his honesty, I have to admit that that is awkward as fuck. 

They head to the overnight suite. Juan Pablo thinks Nikki could be a good partner for him, because “she’s honest and pretty” and having standards is important. Nikki finally tells Juan Pablo that she loves him, and she doesn’t preface it with a long pause or a long speech, nor does she post script it with a weird frowny face, and I believe that’s the first time that’s ever happened on this show. 

Respect.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Juan Pablo receives video messages from all the girls, and in hers, Andi tells him that they need to talk in person. She walks up to his hotel, in slow motion, like a serial killer in a horror movie but, like, way hotter, and sits him down to tell him the truth: That he’s an asshole and she’s leaving.

Andi tells us that she knows that Juan Pablo hasn’t learned anything about her in this process, and I am very surprised that no one has ever had this revelation in 18 seasons of this show before. 

Then, Andi tells Juan Pablo that she’s not in love with him and she doesn’t see a future with him. Juan Pablo says that it’s okay, and Andi says that, no, it’s not okay, because she quit her life to be on this show, and, but, um, doesn’t she know that was her choice? Andi believes that Juan Pablo saying it’s “okay” means that he doesn’t have any feelings about it. Juan Pablo thinks that he means that he has liked her since week two, but he can’t make her like him back.

Andi doesn’t think it’s okay for things to be okay.

Andrea is very confused.

Does Andi want to win this break-up? What does it mean to win a break up? Is that the person who yells the most and seems the most upset? I have countless questions. 

Andi says that Juan Pablo is self-centered, and he spends the parts of conversations where she is talking waiting for his turn to talk, not listening, and his behavior is condescending. She’s not wrong. 

"Andi, I’m not going to argue with you," Juan Pablo says. And why should he? He has two blondes waiting for roses!

Juan Pablo walks Andi out, irritated that she argued with him, that she had a strong opinion, and that she wouldn’t let him placate her with nothingness. Mostly that she’s not Clare, really.

I’m skipping the “Women Tell All” episode because I might enjoy ruining my life with this show, but not that much. After that, we’ll see the finale of the show, where Clare and Nikki are going to duke it out for Juan Pablo’s limited affections for anyone other than himself

The One Where Clare’s Family Is The Least Surprising Family In The History Of Families

In this episode, we are visiting the final four women in their hometowns and meeting their families so that, in the next episode, Juan Pablo can take three of those women to the “Fantasy Suite” to ostensibly have sex with them. Also, note that these episodes ran on back-to-back nights this week, and the simple fact that that happened AGAIN made me throw my hands in the air and yell, “FUCK. THIS.” So all your recaps are late. But I did see Book of Mormon, and it was amazing.

Nikki takes Juan Pablo to her hometown in Kansas City, Missouri. To introduce him to her culture, she “challenges” him to eat Missouri BBQ in a gas station and, like, if you consider that a challenge, probably you and I can’t be friends. OR. OR!! You’re really going to be impressed with me. Next level kinds of impressed.

Nikki is certain that she’s in love with Juan Pablo, but she’s struggling with if it’s the right time to tell him - Is it just me or IS THAT A BAD SIGN? She just feels like it’s not the right time and she doesn’t know why. My hypothesis is that it’s probably something related to Juan Pablo’s three other girlfriends and the fact that Nikki is too smart for this formula, but I’ve been wrong about life things before. Once or twice. Closer to once.

Nikki’s parents are very supportive of Nikki, They are approaching the situation with a normal amount of skepticism, but they seem to want to let Nikki decide, and they appear to be stepping back and letting the game run its course. Nikki’s dad is like a white, male, less crazy, and less funny version of my mother, I think. So, like…. my mom… But boring as hell. So boring. Insanely boring. Also tall.

Juan Pablo keeps asking Nikki to tell him something, and we all know what he’s expecting to hear. But she just doesn’t. This is awkward. 

Next we’re going home with Andi to Atlanta (Wee! I love Atlanta!), and Andi is taking Juan Pablo to the gun range. They are thrilled. And they are shooting some legitimate firearms. Andi says that this is just a typical initiation to living in Georgia. No wonder I like Atlanta so much.

Andi is very excited to see her family (she looks just like the child of her parents) but nervous to introduce them to Juan Pablo. She thinks she is close to falling in love with Juan Pablo, and she seems hopeful that her family’s opinions will push her in either direction. The disapproval is just radiating off of her father. Dad is not at all a fan of Juan Pablo’s three other girlfriends. Andi’s mother, on the other hand, is easily charmed and also a good salsa dancer.  

Andi’s dad asked Juan Pablo the good question: “Why on earth would you go on this show?” GOD, good question! And then, after Juan Pablo replies, he tells him that his answer is wrong! I like this man already. He is everything Television’s Chris Harrison wishes he could be.

Andi’s sister, the voice of reason, and points out that she’s not confident about Andi’s feelings for Juan Pablo. This is incredibly upsetting to Andi, because Andi is clearly also not confident in her feelings for Juan Pablo. That lasts for all of 90 seconds, and she suddenly decides that she’s excited. Did I fall asleep and miss part of the show? Likely. Very likely.

Now we are in Renee’s hometown and she is so excited to be back at home with her son, Ben, who she plans to “literally eat” once she sees him. I’m terrified. TERRIFIED. Can they show that on television? Are we on AMC?

Ben is adorable, but Renee and Ben are THE MOST adorable. For the record, no one literally gets eaten. Nor does anyone figuratively get eaten. That was a lie. She did say that, though. But it wasn’t true.

Renee tells her mom that she is “madly, crazy in love” with Juan Pablo, but she hasn’t told him yet. 

Ranee’s parents and brother take Renee and Juan Pablo’s feelings at face value - they treat them like adults. is this because they are cooler than the other parents? Is this because Renee is a more mature person than the younger girls on this show? Is this because they want their daughter to just get married already? WHO CAN SAY!

At the end of the night, Juan Pablo asks Renee what she’s thinking and she, too, doesn’t tell him that she’s in love with him. Because, you know, three other girlfriends, too smart for this show, blah blah, etc etc. I really want Juan Pablo to stop asking loaded questions. It’s really making me uncomfortable.

Finally, we are in Sacramento to meet Clare’s family. Ugh, Clare is really going to ruin a city that I kind of like for me. Clare and Juan Pablo talk about her late father, and I really am starting to like Clare’s dead dad, and Clare is now also ruining her dad, who I kind of like, for me. 

I DON’T LIKE CLARE.

There. I said it.

Clare’s family is big, and none of them look like her. It’s very puzzling. Or it would be if I cared at all about Clare. She’s the youngest, and everyone is simultaneously protective and judgmental and sympathetic. Clare cries in literally every conversation she has in her day in Sacramento. I don’t like it. (I can relate to it.) But I don’t like it.

Clare gets into a fight with her sister and her mom. She doesn’t want her sister to talk to Juan Pablo, and she tries to separate them. It’s even more awkward than Juan Pablo trying to convince girls to tell him they love him. This seems like a fun family for Juan Pablo and his daughter to join. Yeah, this feels good.

Just kidding, Clare’s mom is awesome, in fact. THIS IS SO STRANGE. Her parents are/were so cool! What the fuck haaap-ppennnned!?! 

Back in Miami, someone has to get kicked off the show because, in the next episode, Juan Pablo is going to have some opportunities to have some sex, and having sex with four different people in one week is simply too many people. Three people, though? That’s A-OK, ABC.

Roses go to Nikki, Clare, and Andi. Renee is sent home and I feel sad. How how will anyone feel like they have a friend on this show? I MEAN I SURE DON’T. 

Renee tells Juan Pablo that she was in love with him, and she does it in a way that’s not manipulative or weird, and maybe I’m just saying that because I’m biased because Renee is my best friend, but, you guys? She’s yours, too. She’s all of our best friend.

The One Where Clare Doesn’t Understand The Word “Literally,” And Juan Pablo Doesn’t Understand Most Words

This week, we’re all getting shafted of visiting a new, exotic location and we’re back in Miami so that Juan Pablo can see his daughter. Ugggggghhhhh. 

The girls are all feeling excited and curious to be in Juan Pablo’s hometown, where they could potentially be meeting his family. Except for Nikki, who hates all these bitches and can’t believe she has to spend more time with them not in a secluded tropical paradise. To be honest, I get that. 

Meanwhile, Juan Pablo is telling his cousin, who is approximately 12 years old, that he is starting to think that Sharleen could be “the one,” so he shows up at the girls hotel to give Sharleen the first Juan-on-one date card. Sharleen, on the other hand, is feeling apprehensive about her feelings toward Juan Pablo.

Sometimes she feels like Juan Pablo “understands” her, because she’s lying to herself because he’s hot. At other times, she feels like they are missing a “mental connection,” which is a cute little euphemism for the fact that they literally cannot communicate. Literally. Because she wants to use words in English that Juan Pablo, quite simply, cannot understand.

The other girls can’t figure it out, either, because it actually makes no sense.

It’s not that I think Juan Pablo is stupid. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s just that English is his second language and he literally is not that good at speaking English, and there is so much that is lost in translation. Sharleen is too smart for this. 

Juan Pablo and Sharleen spend their date making out because they cannot actually communicate in any way. At this point in the show, we know nothing about Sharleen, like her family or her wishes for the future, because Juan Pablo also knows nothing about Sharleen.

Juan Pablo tells Sharleen that he likes how thoughtful she is, and Sharleen says that she hates it, and that she wishes that she were dumber, which is her way of telling us that she knows she’s too smart for this shit. 

After they spend their entire day making out on the yacht, Sharleen goes back to the hotel and confesses to Renee, the team mom, that she’s feeling unsure about if she wants a future with Juan Pablo. It’s too soon to know, she says. Maybe she thinks that she can keep teaching him the meanings of simple words until they are able to communicate in complete sentences. Who knows.

On Nikki’s Juan-on-one date, they are going to Juan Pablo’s daughter’s dance recital, where Nikki will meet his daughter, his parents, and his daughter’s mother, who, by the by, used to be a model; that’s fun.

So apparently Juan Pablo kinda likes Nikki, I guess.

That’s okay, Juan Pablo, I like her, too. Also, Clare hates her so she gets a million a million more points for me. 

Later, they play catch and it is humid, and Juan Pablo gets too sweaty, and Nikki’s hair gets too frizzy, and she’s not dressed very appropriately for playing catch. Maybe Nikki shouldn’t marry Juan Pablo because she might have to move to Florida and Florida does terrible things to her hair and, look, guys, this isn’t even me being horrible about this because IT DOES IT TO ME, TOO. Nikki feels like she’s falling in love with Juan Pablo. Look, someone had to say it.

The following day, Sharleen has decided that the fact that she wants to make out with Juan Pablo all the time doesn’t mean that she can ever ever ever actually talk to him. So she goes to his hotel to break up with him and it seems like she’s forgotten that it is impossible for her to talk to him because she, for some reason, is whispering the whole time and using phrases like “excruciatingly difficult,” which I am 100% certain that Juan Pablo only somewhat understands.

Juan Pablo kindly tells Sharleen that she doesn’t have to be sorry for her feelings, which is the smartest thing he’s ever said on this show, and that just being on the show is a good experience, because it will help Sharleen know what she’s ready for, which is the other smartest thing he’s ever said on this show. Dude. I’m blown away.

(I mean, except for the fact that I just interpreted that into standard English for the sake of this recap.)

Sharleen leaves, and Juan Pablo cries, and tells us that he appreciates Sharleen’s honesty, because he would rather that someone be honest with him and hurt him then not be honest to make him happy. Don’t look now, guys, but Juan Pablo and I are on two versions of the same page - mine is in English and his is the not-quite-English translation.

The remaining four girls: Andi, Chelsie, Clare, and Renee are all flown to a private beach to compete for a rose - a rose that would guarantee them a hometown date, and that will keep them from getting kicked off of the date in the afternoon.

Clare tells Juan Pablo that her family wrote her a bunch of funny letters for her to read when she got homesick. This is adorable. Also, never tell a guy this on a date. God, help me help you.

Andi tells Juan Pablo to “get ready for a breakdown” and then she has a breakdown, because that’s a great thing to happen on a date. Seriously, is no one out there listening?

Clare tells Juan Pablo about her insane family and her Dead Dad DVD. Do I even have to say what you think I’m going to say?

The rose goes to Andi, and she is happy, and Clare is beyond angry, because “literally all she’s been doing is watching other people go on their dates,” which is just undeniably false. OH CLARE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LITERALLY MEANS.

I really hope Clare doesn’t win this because I want to see her monumental breakdown.

For what it’s worth, Andi and Juan Pablo go dancing (Andi is not good) to the vocal stylings to Latin American Drake. No one cares, because while this is happening, Clare and the remaining girls have returned to the house, and Clare is flipping tables. And then she decides to flip them onto Nikki.

Nikki leaves the room, and Clare follows her to get into one of those arguments that makes so little sense that I can’t even recap it for you. So, to be clear, I can somehow magically interpret everything that Juan Pablo says, but this Girl Argument is literally unfathomable to me. 

Please note my correct use of the word “literally.”

The cocktail party is awkward, and not in the funny way. Sorry.

Then Television’s Chris Harrison shows up and I’m pretty sure he’s wasted.

Roses go to Nikki, Clare, and Renee. Chelsie is eliminated, to the surprise of no one in the world. Juan Pablo cries profusely. Again, no one is surprised.

The One With Lamb, Beets, and Lord of The Rings

This week on The Bachelor, we are going to New Zealand, AKA Middle Earth, and I feel like it’s quite unfortunate that my knowledge of New Zealand is: lamb, beets, and Lord of the Rings, and my knowledge of Lord of The Rings is that hobbits have weird feet.

According to the show, though, everyone else’s knowledge of New Zealand is limited to “This is a great place to fall in love!” which means that it’s just like everywhere else on earth, so I guess I’m not too far behind.

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Cassandra is getting a tough edit this week - she’s harping a lot on how much she misses her son, which means that she is either going to tell Juan Pablo that she’s in love with him, or she’s going to be sent home. She has what might actually be an intelligent conversation with Renee, and she cries and still looks pretty, and everyone is quite shocked.

Andi is the only girl left who hasn’t had a Juan-on-one date, so she’s finally going out with Juan Pablo today. Clare is disappointed that she hasn’t gotten that Juan-on-one date because she needs an opportunity to explain to Juan Pablo that she’s not a floozy, and he’s a shithead.

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Juan Pablo picks Andi up for their date in a speed boat, and it’s suddenly glaringly obvious to me that there is a severe lack or helicopters this season. I hope someone fixes this, and soon. They take a water hike though “The Squeeze,” which I guess they think is really romantic, or whatever, because, afterwards, they make out in the hot springs waterfall. Later, they have dinner in front of a geyser (there’s lamb - see? I told you.), and the geyser keeps going off and I just think that can’t be good for their wine and then Andi said, “The water flying at our faces is so unexpected and so unideal. Everything is wet.” And by “Andi,” I mean “that’s what she.”

Juan Pablo says, “It’s nature! There’s nothing we can do!”

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Guys, this recap is writing itself.

Andi gets a rose.

Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra are going on the group date, so Clare gets the last Juan-on-one, and she feels relieved. It’s also Cassandra’s 22nd birthday. Good Lord, that is not a lot of years.

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For their date, they roll down hills in giant human hamster balls. It looks like fun, and everyone seems to think it’s fun. Later, they have cocktails in Hobbiton. No, IN Hobbiton. Literally.

Juan Pablo tells Renee that she is “one of my special ones,” and, gosh, that’s just SO romantic. Renee says that she feels about Juan Pablo now, after six weeks, how she usually feels in a relationship after 6 months, and THAT. Is. Terrifying. Renee seems like one of the more normal, saner ladies on this show, and the show has totally manipulated her just as it was meant to. No one is safe!

Juan Pablo and Sharleen make out, and then she tells him that she is Captain Skeptical about this weird process (but also inordinately thrilled to be in Hobbiton) and then they make out more, because that’s how Juan Pablo solves problems.

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Juan Pablo gives the rose to Sharleen, and then he pulls Cassandra aside and dumps her on her birthday, but not before placating her with how gorgeous and funny and nice she is. And you know what? Cassandra handles this with a lot more maturity than a lot of the older girls on this show ever would, and, Cassandra, you’re going to be fine. 

Clare is expecting an apology on her Juan-on-one date, and she thinks that if she doesn’t get one, she will question her future with Juan Pablo. Guys, I do not believe her for a second. She will never reject Juan Pablo.

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Juan Pablo gives her a non-apology apology, and Clare thinks that he has made an efficient effort. Clare believes that Juan Pablo has apologized. Clare is apparently not familiar with the concept of a non-apology apology.

Personally, I did not hear an apology.

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Clare says some very nice things to Juan Pablo, and he’s sold. He gives her one of his many, many pairs of trendy drop-crotch sweats, and she makes fun of his pants and, hey, it’s about time someone did.

Clare gets a rose and, guys, when she stepped out of the Limo on Night Zero with a fake baby belly, there was no way I could have prediected this.

Juan Pablo has a pretty predictable talk with Television’s Chris Harrison, and then it’s Rose Ceremony night. The girls are feeling very stressed out and it’s only making Juan Pablo more and more awkward. 

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Juan Pablo seems to get along with Nikki, and with Renee, and Chelsie and Kat feel like they’re on the bubble, so now it’s time for them to bring out the serious relationship talk big guns: failed relationships, journals, and bad dad syndrome. 

He’s stressed out because he “has a lot of thinking to do tonight.” Well, I can see how that could be taxing on you, Juan Pablo.

Roses go to Nikki, Renee, and Chelsie. Kat is sent home because anytime someone talks about their journal on this show, they either get proposed to or kicked off, and there’s no way Kat was ever going to win this one. Sharleen is very upset that Kat has been sent home, and she’s using this opportunity to begin questioning this process again and to start thinking about going home. 

So, next week, Sharleen is probably not going to go home.

The One Where You Can Have All The Sex You Want So Long As Your Eyes Are Wide Open And You Plan To Make The Right Decision At All Times — OH WAIT NOPE

This week on The Bachelor, the remaining girls and Juan Pablo are in Vietnam. Juan Pablo’s plan for the week is to keep his eyes open and “make the right decision at all times.” Remember in high school when we learned about foreshadowing and dramatic irony? Please keep those life lessons in mind as you read this post.

The girls arrive at their fancy hotel in Vietnam, and Kat describes the trip as Juan Pablo traveling, and the girls just following him around, and that’s a pretty dismal scene, in my opinion.

Nikki has been made to feel remorseful for her behavior last week, which I don’t like. Guys, leave Nikki alone. She is the real talk.

The first Juan-on-one date goes to Renee, finally. As a reminder, Renee is, in fact, on this show to make friends, and she is also desperate to have her first kiss with Juan Pablo, because we’re in the our 30s and, seriously, what the fuck is the hold up here? They seems to have a nice time together, and enjoy one another’s company. They have some chemistry. This day is full of those moments where a young lady is sitting with a young man and thinking “Um, why isn’t this motherfucker kissing me?”

That evening, Renee receives a bespoke ao dai/cheongsam-styled dress, because cultural appropriation. Then they have dinner together, and discuss their kids and dating as single parents. Juan Pablo thinks Renee is a good mom, and that they are in the same place in their lives, which is 32-year-old single parents on an awkward TV show. That’s what he meant, right?

Renee tries to convince herself that it’s okay if her and Juan Pablo don’t kiss on this date, but, hey, NOPE. It sure isn’t, actually. She knows. I know. Everyone knows! We are adults! This should not take this long!

Juan Pablo, on the other hand, doesn’t want to kiss Renee because he’s worried about what her 8-year-old son will think. He’ll probably think “My mom is a contestant on a round-robin elimination-style dating show,” because he’s eight, not stupid.

Long story short: Renee gets a lovely day in Vietnam, a rose, and no first kiss.

The group date goes to Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare Who Thinks All Asians Look Alike, Kelly, Alli, Danielle, and Andi. Andi is disppointed to be on another group date. The girls are told to pair up for two-man boats, so they each pick a ladyfriend except for Clare because she has no ladyfriends, probably because she can’t distinguish one human being from another. As it turns out, though, having friends in the house is the ultimate backfire, and Clare, the odd man out, winds up with Juan Pablo as her boating partner. Let this be a lesson to you: Do not come on The Bachelor to make friends. I’m sure you know that by now.

Naturally, the other girls spot Juan Pablo and Clare flirting and kissing in their boats, and now Clare is for sure never going to have a ladyfriend to boat with.

After the boating, the girls do some Vietnamese community gardening. Andi pulls Juan Pablo aside beause she’s feeling insecure, so Juan Pablo tells her to trust him, which sounds shitty to me. Then they get to eat the fresh food that they just picked, and Vietnamese food is the best. Unless you’re Clare and you don’t eat food. Apparently.

Then Kelly tells us about Clare: “She knows what she wants and she’s here to get it. Can we hate her for that? I mean. We can.” And later: “Should we just take the rose down there and give it to her?” Kelly’s probably not going to be on this show for much longer because we know nothing about her except that she’s hilarious and losing her is going to really suck, dudes.

Juan Pablo pulls Clare aside for some sexy, sneak-up-to-my-pool Juan-on-one time first during the cocktail party, and the other girls are feeling jealous.

When he returns, he spends time with Sharleen, and Sharleen wants to be seen as “a panda in a room full of brown bears” and is that a phrase? It sounds kind of unwieldy to me, and I imagine that the panda would probably get the shit kicked out of her.

Remember last week when JP was pretending to be all chaste and not make out with everyone? Apparently he forgot about that in his immense efforts to make good decisions in Vietnam.

At the end of the night, Juan Pablo gives the rose to Clare, angering a large group of women. Mistakes were made. The girls come home, tired, and Clare excuses herself to sneak to Juan Pablo’s at 4 in the morning because she’s never swam in a warm ocean before and wants to do so with Juan Pablo. Seriously?

That’s her first? THAT’S NOT REAL. That’s even more transparent than “coming over to watch a movie,” and literally everyone knows what the means.

Juan Pablo wants her to “feel comfortable,” so they run into the ocean and Juan Pablo says that he has a “connection” with her that he doesn’t have with anyone else in the house. And the technical term for that connection, ladies and gentlemen, is “sexual intercourse.”

Here’s the thing. People on the show are not allowed to openly talk about the Bachelor or Bachelorette having sex with any of the contestants on the show, and the editors and producers of the show will chew their arms off in an effort to dance around the real meat and potatoes of random sexy people dating: The sex. Later in the season, when the Bachelor or Bachelorette spends three nights in a row in “fantasy suites” with three different people, ostensibly to have sex, we still can’t talk about sex. We call this time “spending time alone together without the cameras,” in a thinly veiled effort to seem chaste. At this point, we are “only” five weeks in (Good God, that’s a long time to be dating and just kissing), and we’re calling what happened that night a “swim in the ocean.” But you and I and Juan Pablo and Clare are ADULTS and WE KNOW. We know that if we show up at someone’s house at 4am, it’s not for to be swimming.

Making good choices? Not making good choices? Who can say. We’re 32. Juan Pablo has a child. The jig is up.

The following day, Juan Pablo says that he’s going to be “thinking a lot” about Clare following her visit the night before, but now he’s on a Juan-on-one date with Nikki, who is so excited to have her first Juan-on-one date, and even more to be away from all the other girls because that’s entirely resonable.

Juan Pablo takes Nikki to a hole in the ground, which they’re going to spelunk. Nikki is not thrilled. As is typical of this show, she’s afraid of rapelling, and Juan Pablo helps her because trust and control and falling in love, etc. etc. Do you really need me to discuss this?

Nikki spends most of the evening talking about what makes her a good person and what would make her a good mother and how not mane people know this, but she has “such a big heart.” It’s weird, and I miss the parts where she was being brutally honest. This is a date, not a job interview. But it worked on Juan Pablo, and he gives her the rose.

At the Rose Ceremony, everyone is concerned because Juan Pablo is going to send 3 of the remaining 8 girls sans roses home.

Finally, Juan Pablo kisses Renee, and she’s thrilled, as she should be. Because they’re 32, they’ve been dating for 5 weeks, and, as we have all just learned and agreed upon, it’s totally cool to be having sex at that point, not just kissing.

JUST KIDDING. In fact, Juan Pablo has not learned this and does not agree with us. And he has started to regret sneaking out with Clare, because, as he explains to her in a manner that makes absolutely no sense, he is “too fair with people” and “what happened happened already.” So what he’s saying is, having implied sex on television for the world, his daughter, and 10 other girls who he is dating to see was PROOOOBABLY not a good decision at this point. To be completely fair and honest, I do not disagree with juan Pablo on this. However? That is a fucking personal problem.

Clare’s counter argument, which also doesn’t make sense because - what? Are they soulmates? - is that she just wants to do whatever she would do if it was just the two of them, alone, without cameras and the 10 other girls that her boyfriend is dating, because apparently she doesn’t live in reality.

Regardless, Juan Pablo persists and now Clare is very upset and confused, because two days ago he made the grown-ass decision to fuck in the ocean in Vietnam (Jesus, that sounds like some sort of infection waiting to happen) and now she’s being made to feel guilty for it. Clare says that is Juan Pablo “didn’t think it was right, he shouldn’t have done it” because she doesn’t understand how hormones or being propositioned by a very attractive human being or regret works.

When they return to the party, things are very tense because everything that just happened is fucked up, because this show is fucked.

The girls feel like “something bad is happening,” by which they mean that they are contestants on The Bachelor and this show is fucked.

Danielle feels especially nervous before this Rose Ceremony, and that’s probably because no one knows who she is.

Roses go to Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and Andi. Alli and Danielle are sent home because no one knows who they are. Kelly is sent home because this show no longer wants me to feel joy. Juan Pablo cries a little bit, and Danielle doesn’t because she’s not a little bitch who makes bad choices. I like her more immediately.

The One Where Juan Pablo Eats Every Possible Street Food In Korea And Someone Says Something Vaguely Racist Against Asians (And I’m Gonna Ride That Wave For The Rest Of The Season)

This week on the Bachelor, we’re leaving the Malibu Mansions to travel around the world. Camilla, Juan Pablo’s daughter, was moved into the mansion to be closer to her dad while he was on this show, and that time period lasted for all of two weeks. Now she is going away. Not cool, Dad. Not cool.

We’re starting with South Korea, and the girls are all very excited (which they should be, because Korea is awesome), and they’re given an hour to pack, which causes them to scream like underweight banshees. Pro Tip: If you’re on a round-robin elimination-style dating show, just NEVER unpack.

Clare’s the most excited. “Korea?” She says. “I don’t even have a kimono!” No! Nope. Wrong country. WE DON’T ALL LOOK ALIKE, CLARE.

That is marginally racist, so going forward I will be referring to Clare as Racist Clare, giving her the honor of winning the first nickname of the season! Also, I’m totally kidding, I’m going to call her RC because if she ever reads this, she will straight up kill me.

Group Date 1 goes to Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki and they’re going to do some K-Pop dancing, because Juan Pablo loves to dance. He also loves weird sweatpants. Very trendy, JP. Nikki is incredibly disappointed to be on another group date, and now her annoyance with all the other girls (traveling together is hard, yo) is exacerbated.

For every dancing date, there is always at least one person who is a terrible dancer and, in this episode, it’s Nikki. But she’s adorable and fun, and I like it, actually.

There’s also always one person who has a dance background and is very good at the dance and is overconfident and today that person is Kat. Because apparently she’s a dancer? I’m confused, I thought she was a “Medical Sales Rep,” which I am now re-interpreting as “Drug Dealer.” Just for fun, because she’s annoying me today. Also I thought Cassandra was the former dancer? My life is so confusing.

The group is now meant to perform the dance in public, and Nikki is all:

But don’t worry, girls. None of these Koreans will remember you. Also, they think you all look alike.

At the cocktail party, the girls claws have started coming out. Nikki thinks Kat is fake in front of the cameras, and Cassandra is put-off by the back-talking because she’s a very nice and/or awkward person. 

The rest of the girls on the date find Nikki’s negativity negative, so Elise passive-aggressively tells Juan Pablo that some girls are not good role models for Camilla. 

Nikki gets the rose on the group date, again, and everyone hates her. Duh.

Sharleen gets the Juan-on-one date card and it reads “Are you my Seoul-Mate?” And she intelligently posits that they might be exploring Seoul together. At this point, I would like to note that the girls who got the group date card that said “POP!” thought they were going to be making bubblegum. Yes. I literally could not make that up if I tried.

For their date, they’re walking around the market, trying on and buying hanbok (NOT kimono, CLARE.) and eating weird Korean street food. Juan Pablo is awesome and tried everything. It looks like a fun time to me.

Then they have tea together and have a nice conversation. I like it, it seems normal. Sharleen is starting to resemble my mom when she was in her late 20s and, OKAY FINE, I GUESS I will like her. Juan Pablo makes her sing opera even though she doesn’t want to, and, you know, I’m starting to see a pattern of behavior with our friend John Paul here.

Sharleen and Juan Pablo connect over their childhoods (best strategy) and Sharleen feels like she will probably get the rose. Then Juan Pablo asks her how many kids she wants. She tries to gracefully dodge the question, but she is (again) forced to admit that she has been focused on her career and that she ended a relationship in the past with a man who had a four-year-old daughter.

Juan Pablo gives her the rose anyway, “for her honesty.” Well, okay.

The remaining girls are on a group date that’s starting with dollhouse-themed Noraebang (private Karaoke). This may be the creepiest NRB I’ve ever seen, and I have seem some sketchy NRB. They also take sticker photobooth pictures and visit one of those spas where the fish eat the dead skin cells off of your feet - I promise you, America, this is real. Behind them are several couples dining while the girls are squealing and I feel really bad for these polite Asians.

While they are experimenting with street food, RC refuses to eat octopus. She says that it is “the epitome” of her fears. THIS? THIS!?! I BET HER LIFE’S TOUGH. Alli points out that you can get octopus at any Italian restaurant. Makes you curious about other things RC will never eat.

Later, Juan Pablo and Renee are having Juan-on-one time and Juan Pablo refuses to kiss Renee because he wants to set a good example for Camilla, which I am sure he took into consideration on every date prior to this date. 

Lauren is a little drunk, and when Juan Pablo tells her that he won’t kiss everybody, and she cries because rejection. 

Meanwhile, RC is certain that she is going to do some makin’ out on her Juan-on-one time tonight, and she’s not wrong. She tells Juan Pablo that she threw up in her mouth eating the octopus (sexy.) and he looks pretty unimpressed. She has no idea what Juan Pablo ate this week.

At the end of the night, Andi gets the rose. 

At the cocktail party, Sharleen tells us that she feels lucky to have a rose, and that the girls have an agreement that girls with roses will not take time from girls without roses - OH, WAIT. She’s in an entirely different outfit with different hair and make-up in a different Asian temple (WE DON’T ALL LOOK ALIKE) in that interview, so that claim means nothing this week, actually. I see what you’re doing, there, ABC. You can’t pull one over on me!

Nikki interrupts RC’s time. All the girls are very uncomfortable. Juan Pablo implies to Nikki that there is drama in the house and she assumes RC said something to Juan Pablo — For what it’s worth, it was actually Elise who said something to Juan Pablo, but RC tells Nikki what the girls are saying regardless: That she’s one way in the house and a different way with Juan Pablo. That statement can easily apply to many of the girls in the house.

Finally, the Rose Ceremony arrives, and roses go to Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle (she’s getting by on her looks, right?), Cassandra, Alli, RC, and Kat.

Elise and Lauren are sent home.

Next week we’re going to Vietnam, which is an actual dream come true. I hope they eat well and cheap and EVERYONE CRIES.

The One Where Everyone Is Shocked That Everyone Is Kissing Juan Pablo On The Show Where They Have All Come To Kiss Juan Pablo

Before the episode really begins, I just want you to notice that Television’s Chris Harrison has noted that in the past two episodes, we have eliminated a dozen people. That’s pretty fucking awesome, if you think about it.

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Television’s Chris Harrison drops off a date card for Cassandra, the only girl wearing a dress while the other ladies have ostensibly just come back from a group Zumba class. What was she doing all morning? Renee is sure that if Juan Pablo isn’t into Cassandra, he will send her home because they are both single parents. I wonder if she is aware that the same rule applies to her, as she hangs around the house, hoping for a Juan-on-one date.

Cassandra arrives for her date with Juan Pablo, and this is the conversaiton that happens:

JP: Hey! How are ya?
Cassandra: Good! ::giggles:: How are you?
JP: I’m doing good.
Cassandra: Good, how are you?

Wait, what? THIS IS HOW THIS WHOLE DATE IS GOING TO GO!?!?!? Dear God, end me now.

Cassandra hasn’t been on a date since she was 18, which was 3 years ago. She’s also never been near a boat, apparently? Or near water? Or something that makes her say “Wee!” a lot?

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Juan Pablo drives their water car into the water, and Cassandra “thought it was a car,” but now it is a Transformer.

Later that night, Camila is spending the night with Juan Pablo’s parents so that Juan Pablo can have Cassandra over to cook dinner together. Because this date wasn’t mind numbing enough, I guess. Every time we cut away from the date and return to it, the producers have Cassandra remind us that she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18. Because apparently the editing team thinks we are all as dumb as Cassandra is on this date.

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Cassandra feels like she “definitely has a connection with Juan Pablo now,” which… I dunno, maybe I missed that part? Either way, Juan Pablo gives her the rose.

Back at the house, Elise is telling Renee (who is everyone’s bestie but me and I am so jealous) that her mom passed away and never got to submit her application for Elise to be on The Bachelor, and, dude, I’m sorry, but I think Elise is my new favorite now.

The group date goes to Kelly, Renee, Charleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy, and Nikki, which leaves Elise and Chelsie to duke it out over the last Juan-on-one date. Chelsie is weird, and I hope Elise gets the date so that I don’t have to watch Chelsie, but I highly doubt it because that’s the kind of day I’m having.

On the group date, the girls are going to play soccer because Juan Pablo played soccer, and any woman who wants to marry Juan Pablo needs to understand that soccer is his first child. Did I misinterpret that?

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The girls act pretty excited to play soccer until they come to realize that they could get hit in the face with balls. And this reminds me of the time when me and my girlfriends signed up for a massive water balloon fight and felt excited all morning until we realized that we were just going to get beaned in the faces, and, the truth is, hanging out with me is like one long episode of “Shit Girls Say Goes To [fill in the blank!]” and I AM SO SORRY. I am SORRY.

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The girls are split into two teams and are told to play against each other. It’s like AYSO soccer, but with more people getting hit in various body parts where they are not supposed to be getting hit, such as their faces. I’d also like to note that the red team has written “Galavais” on the back of their jerseys, which is Juan Pabloi’s last name, and that’s kinda creepy, amiright?

After the game, Juan Pablo pops champagne and sprays it over the group and that’s not a euphemism. OR IS IT!?

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At the cocktail party, some girls are feeling confident, some girls are feeling jealous, some girls are feeling nosey. Juan Pablo makes out with Andi, because that’s what happens on dates, and then has Juan-on-one time with Sharleen, the girl who didn’t like him on day one but now thinks that they have chemistry because Juan Pablo is “so obviously attractive.” Was I the only person who saw the first episode!?! The hivemind is REAL! And then Jean Pablo makes out with Sharleen and I don’t usually comment on people’s kissing on this show, because it’s so basic, except, to be honest, that was SO BASIC.

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Juan Pablo gives the rose to Nikki, who he did not make out with. Andi and Sharleen, who he did make out with, feel hella shitty because the guy they made out with made out with other people and then gave a rose to someone else and I’m pretty sure that’s just what happens on ths show, so let’s not pretend that anyone should be so shocked.

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On Juan Pablo and Chelsie’s date, I just want to point out that the car that they are driving in seems to be in all of the lanes at once, and that is terrifying.

After they pitstop for some Venezuelan food, Juan Pablo takes Chelsie to go bungee jumping because something something blah blah trust. When Chelsie filled out the survey to be on this show, she obviously put “heights” down as her greatest fear, and you know what? I would put that down, too, because those dates are just better. What I would not put down is the truth, which is “ew, romance, yuck!” because boring.

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Regardless, Chelsie is legitimately terrified (it’s adorable), and Juan Pablo has to do the thing where he convinces a woman to do something she doesn’t want to do, and he’s DAMN good at it. … Is anyone else concerned? Just me? Chelsie says that Juan Pablo told her that “the day won’t be ruined if we don’t jump off of the bridge,” and, if you think about it, that’s a funny thing to say. But, because Juan Pablo is incredibly smooth, Chelsie finally agrees to jump, because trust and blah blah, etc.

Juan Pablo’s biggest fear is to not be a good example for his daughter and, if that’s the case, I feel like he should have paid more attention in his PR Training. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

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Meanwhile, back at the house, Elise is on a mission to convince the other girls that Chelsie is too immature to be with Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo, however, thinks Chelsie has something maternal about her and he gives her the rose. Just when Chelsie thinks this date can’t get any better, they are given a private concert by some country musician who I have no idea who he is, so, no. In fact, this day actually cannot get any better that it did when he gave her the rose.

The following morning, Juan Pablo suprises the girls by coming over and making Venezuelan breakfast. Kelly comes down to let her dog out, and flips out that Juan Pablo has spotted her in the wild because her gandmother told her not to let a man see her without her face on. So, to be clear, her grandmother had no face, which I understand is actually a terrifying thing in Japanese culture. Kelly is, in fact, not Japanese.

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Renee comes down later and then is just normal about shit, so I would still like to be her best friend.

Juan Pablo has decided to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party because he “just wants to do normal things.” He has come to the wrong television show. The girls are jealous because [insert any other girl’s name here] is capturing Juan’s attention and, according to Sharleen, “this is not the most natural situation.” Oh, you mean living in a house with 14 other girls who are all dating the same guy as you? And being followed by cameras? AKA the entire premise of thie show? Yeah, no. You’re right, Sharleen. That’s not natural.

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Sharleen talks to Juan Pablo about how strange the situation is and cries and then makes out with Juan Pablo and, really, girl, what is your end game here?

The other girls are jealous because they really, really like Juan Pablo, too, and they don’t want to share him, so Clare locks herself in the bathroom to cry, and Renee (of course) follows her to reassure her that, yes, this is weird. So, to be clear, Renee definitely DID some here to make friends.

Later that night, Juan Pablo gives roses to Andi, Kelly, Sharleen, Clare, Danielle, Alli, Renee, Lauren, and Nikki. Christy and Lucy are sent home, probably because no one knows who Christy is and we only know who Lucy is because she’s the one who always has black bars  over her person.

One final note: In the preview for the next episode, a brunette is shown crying because she “cares about Juan Pablo so much” and she “doesn’t really know what he’s feeling right now.” I do not recognize this woman. She’s one of the girls, I don’t know which girl. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t need to be crying like that, but I can’t wait to see all that unfold.

The One Where A Girl Gets Eliminated Because She’s 24 And Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

I didn’t get to watch this week’s episode of The Bachelor until Thursday afternoon, and that hurt my feelings. To cope, I drank too much, locked myself in the bathroom to puke, and yelled obscenities at the guy who I’m supposed to be trying to impress… Oh, wait, no. That was Victoria.

I’m so sorry that this post is late! I’m looking forward to getting into Boring Life Routine and getting into format with these posts. Thank for your patience! Hope you’ll stick around.

Clare got the first date this season and the first rose at last week’s Rose Ceremony. As a reminder, Clare is the girl who came out of the limo wearing a fake baby belly. That’s a good choice; she should get some roses and some dates, because she seems like a totally normal and mentally balanced individual.

Juan Pablo picks Clare up at the mansion and blindfolds her and is taking her on a fake snow play date. Clare tells us that her “heart and her mind dated guys that she knew weren’t emotionally all there.” Please someone explain to me what that means. What was the rest of her doing at that time? I understand this less than anything Juan Pablo says in the entire episode.

Clare still feels like her and Juan Pablo have a lot to talk about, which makes sense since this is the second time they’ve ever seen each other in their lives. Then Juan Pablo asks Clare to tell him a story and she goes, “Yeah, my dad passed away.” That’s, like, not a story, and also probably not what he had in mind at all. Jesus.

Juan Pablo tells Clare that he is “having a very, very much good time with her” (WTF not English/aww) and he gives her a rose. Josh Krajk (Who is that? anyone? anyone? Beuller?) plays them a private concert, and, although this date is lame and I am tired of hearing Clare talk about how much she likes Juan Pablo, she’s kind of cute sometimes.

Regardless, I’m incredibly bored watching this date, and I have nothing further to say, really.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lucy has graduated from wearing no shoes and no make-up to wearing no top. Next Level Hipster Shit.



Kat gets the next Juan-on-one date, and all the other girls are sad panda. Juan Pablo is taking Kat on their date on a private jet, and she thinks she could “get used to being with the man of her dreams who wants to do stuff like that” and she’s “already having visions of jet-setting with [her] Latin lover.” I hate to be the one to break it to Kat, but she is going to find life outside of this reality show pretty fucking terrible.

They change into light-up clothing and arrive in Salt Lake City for the Electric Run. He’s taking her on a 3.1 mile overcrowded race for their first date. As I am watching this, all I can think is that I want for these people to be running faster. The great news is that running an Electric Run makes for a lot of opportunities for Kat to talk about chasing after Juan Pablo and the electricity between them. See what she did there?

Clever girl.


After the run, Juan Pablo offers Kat the rose on stage at the finish line. No pressure, Kat. They apparently don’t get to have any Juan-on-one time on their date, and that’s kind of weird.

Next date: Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy are invited on a photoshoot with dogs for Models and Mutts, which raises money for dog rescues. (If you’re feelings awesome and generous, here’s the animal rescue featured on tonight’s episode, and here’s the animal rescue where I volunteer, and here’s the animal recuse where I met my lil girl, Holly.) Kelly the Dog Lover (still not a job, hun) is having the time of her life.

Victoria is concerned that the date is going to turn into a “horror show,” but I swear it sounded like “whore show” initially, and that might be even more accurate.

Lauren is excited to see Juan Pablo because he looks hot, because “he’s wearing blue and his arms are showing.” She has a thing for T-shirts.

Kelly is painted as a bald, spotted brown dog. Elise and Andi are told to wear tiny cardboard signs, and they are not very excited. NOR SHOULD THEY BE. If you’re forced to go naked on your first date, GO HOME. RUN AWAY. That’s a pretty fair rule in dating and in life.

Elise, being the smart cookie that she is, asks Lucy to switch assignments with her. Lucy is happy to remove her clothing for the shoot, as always. (TO BE FAIR, Lucy has an amazing body.) (But so do Elise and Andi.)

Andi is panicking because she has been assigned to wear the Naked Costume for her photoshoot, and Juan Pablo comes to assure her that he will also wear the Naked Costume. They have a very sweet, tender moment, where she tells him and he is braver than she, and he assures her that they will be fine. Cassandra (who, as it turns out, is not only a FORMER NBA dancer, but also a CURRENT sweetheart), thinks that Andi will feel good and empowered after doing the shoot, and that’s a nice thing to say, and probably true.

Later, at the cocktail party, Cassandra tells Juan Pablo that she has a son  and she is nervous that things might go sour because of that revelation…. Why?? That makes no sense. He has a child, as well. Also she calls her mom 10 times a day, which makes me think that my mom should adopt her because then she would be very happy and I want my mom to be happy.

Juan Pablo’s lil face when he finds out about her son is probably the cutest thing in this episode, and this episode had a dozen dogs in it. That’s amazing.

Renee is ready to have her first kiss with Juan Pablo, and in order to do so, she tells him that he almost kissed her during the photoshoot, but then didn’t. Which is also what happens at the cocktail party. SLICK, RENEE.

Nikki pulls Victoria aside and tells her to “tone it down,” because she’s totally drunk. Victoria’s response? “This is how I am soberrrrrrrrr!” That mayyyyy be an inaccurate statement.

Wait, I need to share this Victoria Wisdom with you: “If you do the hymen maneuver, [::mimes the Heimlich maneuver, poorly::] and someone’s like, laying down and dying, you’re gonna have to straddle them.” Again. I understand Juan Pablo better than I understand that sentence.

Okay, okay. One more gem from Victoria and then I’ll stop. “If Juan Pablo was mine, I’m gonna straddle him every. Daaaaayyyy. Because that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.”

Soon, Victoria begins wandering around like a lost, angry puppy. She runs into the bathroom and locks herself into a stall, presumably to vomit, which was edited out fo the show. (Nice job, ABC. Alcohol is real.) Renee, who is too nice, slides under the door to check on her and assure her that it’s okay that she hasn’t had any time with Juan Pablo. Victoria is losing her shit, Renee is still too nice, and there’s a lot of yelling, slurring, and interrupting going on. Renee is probably really glad that she doesn’t have daughters at this point.


At this point, a producer has to step in and inform Vicotria that he is liable for her and he can’t let her leave, for her safetly. Production Life is hard, ya’ll.

Victoria is kind of crazy, so Lucy grabs Juan Pablo and informs him that she might need his help, so he checks on her in the bathroom where she is hiding out, sobbing. He says he sympathizes with how stressed out she feels. Juan Pablo is also being too nice, and I’m starting to think that I’d really like to see him with a really nice girl, a Renee, a Cassandra, a girl who’d crawl under bathroom stalls for you and say nice things behind your back.

Kelly gets the rose for being such a good professional dog lover and wearing a terrible dog outfit. 

After the group date, Victoria is taken to a hotel rather than returning to the Bachelor House, and Juan Pablo goes to see her there. Juan Pablo accepts her apologies, but he doesn’t want to be a part of that shit anymore. He’s 32 and has a child. But I don’t even care if you’re in your 20s and can’t even keep a houseplant alive, ain’t nobody got time for that, says that lady on that news clip. He invites Victoria to leave the show.

The girl who got the first impression rose last week and accepted it even though she didn’t want it, Sharleen, didn’t get a date this week, but then apologizes to Juan Pablo for being ungracious when he gave her the rose last week. What the!? Girl! Are you into him or not?? DUDE. THIS GAME TOTALLY WORKS.


Cassandra is crying because of the big “is this worth it to be away from my son and I feel so insecure” thing. Renee (OBVIOUSLY) is there to comfort her. Juan Pablo finds them having a heart-to-heart, and Renee graciously leaves them to talk. GOOD GOD, I want to make best friendsies with these girls right now. Except that is impossible because I cannot be besties with people who have kids because I do not have kids and that is how the world works. That’s real.

More roses go to Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle (What? Who the fuck is this!?!), Lucy, Alli, Chelsie. Lauren, and Christy. Amy L (the newscaster) and Chantel (proving that this show is racist) are eliminated at the rose ceremony.

As most people do, Chantel weeps and saying “it’s just hard,” vaguely.

Amy L makes a gracious, smiling exit. it’s very nice to see a girl be normal about being rejected after literally less than one date. 

In unrelated news, I refuse to call my cat “lame,” even though that is the technical term and, yes, I’m single and I have a cat. Judge away, motherfuckers.

Between the work conference I am attending this week and my injured cat to take care of, I won’t have a recap of the episode up tonight. Trust that it is in the works, though, and that Holly Cat is higher than a Grateful Dead concert, that I am brain dead from brainstorming, and that I am drinking 7 coffees a day and still drowning in email.

All my love to you.