The One Where Juan Pablo Exposes The Bachelor Television Show For Exactly What It Is: A Television Show
Last week someone asked me how The Bachelor was (because he was trying to be nice, not because anyone ever actually cares how The Bachelor is). It was the week of the Women Tell All episode, I explained, and “in sum, everyone hates Juan Pablo.” That is my entire recap of that episode.
Let’s move on to the finale. In typical blown-out The Bachelor fashion, this episode is bookended with “live” segments starring Television’s Chris Harrison, who is promising us the most unforgettable finale ever. Television’s Chris Harrison encourages us to wonder if Juan Pablo was even on the show to find love in the first place. That’s cute.
Our remaining ladies are Clare, who is racist, and Nikki, who never has anything nice to say. They are as different as night and day and hate each other. Sadly, they will be in no scenes together tonight, and that’s depressing.
Clare arrives first to meet Juan Pablo’s family. As far as I can predict, there is no reason to expect this to go poorly. Clare gushes because she’s so excited to have her own family. She wants to have a “minimum” of 3 kids - that could potentially be a whole buncha children. Poor life choices.
Juan Pablo’s mom tries to convince Clare that Juan Pablo is kind of a jerk sometimes. Juan Pablo’s cousin tries to convince Clare that Juan Pablo is kind of a jerk sometimes. But Clare comes to his defense and goes on about how much she loves Juan Pablo and his “honesty” and “communication.” Clare is hardcore delusional.
Juan Pablo’s dad has known Clare for all of four minutes and has already decided that he’s in love with her. Beware, Juan Pablo’s Dad. I’ve been in that relationship before. Also, come on… this is bizarre.
The following day, Nikki spends the day with Juan Pablo’s family.
Juan Pablo’s dad warns Nikki that Juan Pablo isn’t easy to be with, and Nikki says that she’s ready anyway. Juan Pablo’s mom is “pretty sure” that he’s ready for a relationship. That’s sketchtastic.
Even Juan Pablo’s family sees that Nikki and Clare are completely different. Nikki says that the things that his family said “raised a lot of questions” but no “red flags.” Well. That may be concerning.
Back in the live show, the viewers are concerned about the girls ignoring the family’s warnings because television studio audiences are not totally stupid.
Now, Clare has her last date with Juan Pablo in - FUCKING FINALLY - a helicopter!! God, this season has been such a fucking let down.
Clare is dressed like a 12-year-old bumblebee.
As the helicopter is landing, there is a moment where there are no cameras or audio, and Juan Pablo takes that opportunity to tell Clare that he feels like they don’t know each other and “some sexual thing that I don’t even want to repeat,” per Clare. Then he drags her up this hill. And, as much as I don’t like Clare, I’m pretty unhappy to hear that - and I’m like, semi-pro at walking up hills.
Clare and Juan Pablo obviously have great physical chemistry, but Clare is here to find a husband, not a fun boyfriend. Juan Pablo comes to her hotel room that evening to hang out, and Clare is really angry.
Again, Juan Pablo says that he’s just being honest. Clare is confused because she thought they were on the same page. Juan Pablo assures us that he feels great about Clare and that maybe they have a future together. That’s what Clare wants to hear, and everything is fine again! Because Clare’s a little racist about Asians, but she’s completely colorblind when it comes to red flags.
Now it’s time for Juan Pablo’s last date with Nikki. Nikki is starting to grow frustrated with not being able to know how Juan Pablo feels. Well, you know… Who’s really comfortable with the unknown?
Carl Sagan. The correct answer is Carl Sagan.
Nikki gives Juan Pablo a gift: a photo of them riding horses together while not not wearing pants. She also wrote him a little card and she has very tidy handwriting. The card is signed, “I love you,” and he says, “Thank you. See you tomorrow.” And that’s everyone’s favorite moment of this entire series.
Juan Pablo leaves, and Nikki cries. That’s exactly what you want a girl to do at the end of a date.
We don’t even see Juan Pablo shop for a ring because the time that would usually be spent on this segment was used up by him making girls cry. This season is so messed up! I’m so confused!
Clare is the first to arrive for the final rose ceremonies, and as you and I know, that means that his journey is over for Clare. But not before she’s forced to walk down a sand a dirt path in spike heels, because this week just hasn’t been hard enough for her.
Juan Pablo says goodbye to Clare, and attempts to hug her. She stops him. The audience cheers. Then she goes on an intense tirade, bringing up Sharleen and Andi, who both unceremoniously dumped Juan Pablo, and she stalks away in a huff, because she would never want her children to have a father like Juan Pablo. Which, in this case, means a man who would go on a dating show and have to choose between the final two women and would take a moment to do so, which means that she maybe has never seen this show before.
When she’s gone, Juan Pablo and all his legendary lack-of-filter says, “Whew. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” Juan Pablo, ME FUCKING TOO. (The audience is appalled at us right now.) (Sorry, Audience.) (That was a lie; no, I’m not.)
Nikki arrives, and Juan Pablo can finally tell her how much he loves her honesty, because it’s “so much like [him]!” I shit you not, my friends.
Juan Pablo reminds her that her father told him that before he proposes to Nikki, he needs to be 100% sure, so he’s not going to propose because he’s not 100% sure he wants to propose to her. Instead, he just wants to give her a rose, and see what happens because maybe he doesn’t love her yet, but he knows he likes her a lot.
At the After the Final Rose interview show, Nikki comes back and says that they are starting a normal relationship, and they’re very happy, and she’s still in love with Juan Pablo, but she doesn’t know if he’s in love with her. Television’s Chris Harrison asks over and over if Juan Pablo loves her and how long Nikki is willing to wait to get engaged. Because saying the words “I love you” and giving/receiving a huge diamond ring and then getting married, to him and his audience, are the Most Important Things in any romantic relationship ever.
Newsflash, America: They’re not.
Television’s Chris Harrison is UPSET because he “doesn’t know what he’s looking at!” Because they’re not engaged or married, and The Bachelor is, in fact, not like real life, and NOW WE ALL KNOW. Maybe this makes me a less romantic person than everyone in the studio audience, but it makes me happy to see a couple slow down, be normal about this, and just fucking like each other for a minute.
When Nikki arrived to the final rose ceremony, she said that she’d “waited a long time for this,” and, YOU GUYS, I HAVE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THIS. I have spent an unbelievable amount of time discussing how stupid it is for people to get engaged at the end of this show. That’s like getting engaged two days after you decide to shut off your OKCupid account - it’s NUTS. I don’t want anyone to do it. So maybe Juan Pablo is a little mean, and a little sketchy, and a LOT unintelligible. But, right now, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted.