The One With Lamb, Beets, and Lord of The Rings

This week on The Bachelor, we are going to New Zealand, AKA Middle Earth, and I feel like it’s quite unfortunate that my knowledge of New Zealand is: lamb, beets, and Lord of the Rings, and my knowledge of Lord of The Rings is that hobbits have weird feet.

According to the show, though, everyone else’s knowledge of New Zealand is limited to “This is a great place to fall in love!” which means that it’s just like everywhere else on earth, so I guess I’m not too far behind.

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Cassandra is getting a tough edit this week - she’s harping a lot on how much she misses her son, which means that she is either going to tell Juan Pablo that she’s in love with him, or she’s going to be sent home. She has what might actually be an intelligent conversation with Renee, and she cries and still looks pretty, and everyone is quite shocked.

Andi is the only girl left who hasn’t had a Juan-on-one date, so she’s finally going out with Juan Pablo today. Clare is disappointed that she hasn’t gotten that Juan-on-one date because she needs an opportunity to explain to Juan Pablo that she’s not a floozy, and he’s a shithead.

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Juan Pablo picks Andi up for their date in a speed boat, and it’s suddenly glaringly obvious to me that there is a severe lack or helicopters this season. I hope someone fixes this, and soon. They take a water hike though “The Squeeze,” which I guess they think is really romantic, or whatever, because, afterwards, they make out in the hot springs waterfall. Later, they have dinner in front of a geyser (there’s lamb - see? I told you.), and the geyser keeps going off and I just think that can’t be good for their wine and then Andi said, “The water flying at our faces is so unexpected and so unideal. Everything is wet.” And by “Andi,” I mean “that’s what she.”

Juan Pablo says, “It’s nature! There’s nothing we can do!”

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Guys, this recap is writing itself.

Andi gets a rose.

Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra are going on the group date, so Clare gets the last Juan-on-one, and she feels relieved. It’s also Cassandra’s 22nd birthday. Good Lord, that is not a lot of years.

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For their date, they roll down hills in giant human hamster balls. It looks like fun, and everyone seems to think it’s fun. Later, they have cocktails in Hobbiton. No, IN Hobbiton. Literally.

Juan Pablo tells Renee that she is “one of my special ones,” and, gosh, that’s just SO romantic. Renee says that she feels about Juan Pablo now, after six weeks, how she usually feels in a relationship after 6 months, and THAT. Is. Terrifying. Renee seems like one of the more normal, saner ladies on this show, and the show has totally manipulated her just as it was meant to. No one is safe!

Juan Pablo and Sharleen make out, and then she tells him that she is Captain Skeptical about this weird process (but also inordinately thrilled to be in Hobbiton) and then they make out more, because that’s how Juan Pablo solves problems.

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Juan Pablo gives the rose to Sharleen, and then he pulls Cassandra aside and dumps her on her birthday, but not before placating her with how gorgeous and funny and nice she is. And you know what? Cassandra handles this with a lot more maturity than a lot of the older girls on this show ever would, and, Cassandra, you’re going to be fine. 

Clare is expecting an apology on her Juan-on-one date, and she thinks that if she doesn’t get one, she will question her future with Juan Pablo. Guys, I do not believe her for a second. She will never reject Juan Pablo.

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Juan Pablo gives her a non-apology apology, and Clare thinks that he has made an efficient effort. Clare believes that Juan Pablo has apologized. Clare is apparently not familiar with the concept of a non-apology apology.

Personally, I did not hear an apology.

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Clare says some very nice things to Juan Pablo, and he’s sold. He gives her one of his many, many pairs of trendy drop-crotch sweats, and she makes fun of his pants and, hey, it’s about time someone did.

Clare gets a rose and, guys, when she stepped out of the Limo on Night Zero with a fake baby belly, there was no way I could have prediected this.

Juan Pablo has a pretty predictable talk with Television’s Chris Harrison, and then it’s Rose Ceremony night. The girls are feeling very stressed out and it’s only making Juan Pablo more and more awkward. 

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Juan Pablo seems to get along with Nikki, and with Renee, and Chelsie and Kat feel like they’re on the bubble, so now it’s time for them to bring out the serious relationship talk big guns: failed relationships, journals, and bad dad syndrome. 

He’s stressed out because he “has a lot of thinking to do tonight.” Well, I can see how that could be taxing on you, Juan Pablo.

Roses go to Nikki, Renee, and Chelsie. Kat is sent home because anytime someone talks about their journal on this show, they either get proposed to or kicked off, and there’s no way Kat was ever going to win this one. Sharleen is very upset that Kat has been sent home, and she’s using this opportunity to begin questioning this process again and to start thinking about going home. 

So, next week, Sharleen is probably not going to go home.

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